


Vertical Impairments

by Luna Park (LadyInGrey)



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: But not enough to actually be sorry, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Listen it's a fic about a tiny Ben don't think about it too hard, M/M, Magic, Or at least very dubious science, Pure and simple, Shrinking, This is ridiculous and i apologize, a little bit at least, but also maybe a little angst, i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyInGrey/pseuds/Luna%20Park
Summary: Ben always knew he was kind of short, but this was just ridiculous.Or: A series of poorly thought out decisions leaves Leslie Knope to deal with a very small and very annoyed Ben Wyatt. Aside from that, it's business as usual.





	Vertical Impairments

**Author's Note:**

> Is this dumb? Of course. Am I going to enjoy it anyway? Absolutely.
> 
> Set mid-season five, sort of, technically a slight canon divergence. Think of it as a "greatest hits" type universe, I guess? All the best parts of P&R, even if the timelines don't quite add up within the show itself.

He should have known better than to trust anything coming from Tom or Jean-Ralphio, but Ben had had a few drinks by then and he still hadn’t exactly gotten over Leslie’s comments that morning, so his bullshit meter was not in top condition when they pitched the weight loss pills to him.

“They’re all natural,” Tom slurred, a little tipsy himself. “It’s our new business, do you know how much money there is in holistic medicine?”

“Billions.” Jean-Ralphio sang directly into his ear, because, of course.

“It’s how Robert Durst made his fortune.” Tom slid the white packet, suspiciously sparse on design and details, towards him.

“Didn’t he murder two people?” Ben slid it right back.

Jean-Ralphio dismissively waved his hand. “Only allegedly, which doesn’t count, like how I “allegedly” broke some guy’s leg with my Segway.”

Tom nodded enthusiastically, pointing to his partner. “Uh-huh, that’s right. C’mon, Ben, it’s not like there’s any bad stuff in it, I checked them out myself! Besides, and not to be rude, but Leslie does have a point. You’re getting older, your body is probably already starting to deteriorate, get ahead of it.”

Uhg, Leslie. Well, not “uhg, Leslie,” because Ben would never think that about the love of his life, but more “uhg, people agreeing with Leslie.” Sure, he might have let himself go a little bit since they’d settled down, but that was more of a general lifestyle change than anything. He’d spent so many years travelling across the country, living off energy drinks and whatever local take-out place was open at 2AM, his body had forgotten what it was like to eat on a regular, structured basis. So, yes, maybe he had gained a little weight in the past few months, but definitely not enough to warrant his wife’s declaration that morning that he had a “dad bod.” Ben knew that he wasn’t exactly conventionally attractive, he was short, his hair was untameable, and Chris had once described his wardrobe as “picnic blanket chic,” but he’d made peace with most of that over his nearly four decades of life. For some reason though, this one in particular bugged him, and with his reasoning already slightly impaired from the alcohol, he slipped up, and agreed to give it a try.

“You won’t regret it,” Tom said as he took the two pills, followed by a sip of his beer, which probably was not what medical professionals would recommend. “This will change your life.”

Well, he was right about that.

* * *

 

It was Leslie’s squealing the next morning that woke him up.

“Ben, oh my gosh, Ben, sweetie, wake up, please!”

She accentuated her pleas by repeatedly jabbing him in the side with what felt like her elbow, causing him to groan as he tried to roll over in an attempt to protect his ribs.

“Les, stop…” It was too early for this.

However, with a truly unprecedented amount of force, Ben found himself rolled onto his back, and pinned in place.

“Ben,” Leslie’s voice was forceful and booming, making it clear that there was no ignoring her. “You need to get up. Now.”

He tried to shift into a more comfortable position as he slowly blinked himself awake, but Leslie kept him pinned where he was.

“Can you get off…” The words died in his throat as his eyes refocused on his wife’s face, seemingly a million miles away and the size of a billboard. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opening it again, but couldn’t manage to squeeze out a sound.

Leslie didn’t exactly smile, but the worried creases on her face eased slightly at the sight of him awake and alert.

“Yeah.” She said, the pressure on his shoulders relieving as she removed the two fingers that had held him down, allowing him to sit upright. Ben looked up at Leslie, who was as glowing and radiant as if she were the sun herself, then down to himself, where a dark sheet he didn’t recognize covered his lower half. He reached out, taking the edge in his hands, the texture was bizarre, rough and ribbed, not exactly what you’d look for in a blanket. There was something on the underside though, much smoother, and he flipped it over for a better look. It was white, with a glossy sheen, with squiggles running across it, and symbols at the bottom. He squinted, trying to make sense of them.

**_SIZE: M_ **

He dropped it back into his lap. It was a shirt, _his_ shirt. Again, he looked up to Leslie, who stayed uncharacteristically silent, watching him slowly piece the situation together. He did that circuit a few more times, shirt, Leslie, shirt, Leslie, shirt, brain still trying to process what it was seeing.

With no sign of the loop coming to a close, Leslie chose to break his concentration with a quiet “Ben?”

Ben’s response was to simply scream.

**Author's Note:**

> You made it to the end, I congratulate you on your perseverance but also question your taste.
> 
> I haven't written fanfiction in ages, so this was pretty fun to get back to! Also I wrote this in an hour at 1AM, so, like, it is what it is.
> 
> I hope to write more, but, like, who knows? As a great scholar once said, "everything happens so much."
> 
> I hope you enjoyed whatever this was?
> 
> (Also a totally unrelated note, but did you know that writers love reviews? But that definitely has nothing to do with anything about this, of course).


End file.
